Posts Tagged ‘Huge’

If the Grim Reaper used an Axe…

Friday, July 24th, 2009

Yes. That is the question of the day. If old man Grim used and axe instead of a scythe, what would it look like? To be honest I have no clue. I just can’t imagine my O’l buddy Grim using anything other than a scythe. He’s really quite attached to that thing. They have some symbolic history together, something about harvesting souls or some other sappy poetic schmaltz.

Not my cup of tea, really, but he’s all about it. For a guy who spends a lot of time snatching the life right out of unsuspecting peeps at the drop of a hat, he always comes across as a bit of a tragic emo/goth. The perpetually covered face, the dark clothes, the endless angst, always carrying that blasted scythe around regardless of whether he’s actually on the clock or not… Meh. But I apologize. I ramble.

Back to the question at hand. If Mr. G. Reaper were to use an axe, what would it look like? Well, I still can’t say. I admit it. I have no imagination. Sue me. So instead I’m going to show you what some one else thinks it might look like. Allow me present the Grim Reaper Battle Axe:

Grim Reaper Battle Axe

Grim Reaper Battle Axe

Now this is an evil axe. Just the kind of thing I like. Big, crude, heavy, evil edges and lots of points and hooks and barbs and such, with but a token attempt at finesse. Just look at it. Not that Mr R. would ever use it, but you cannot possibly argue that this isn’t a an axe worthy of a reaper-type entity. Heck I’d use it, and reaping is just a hobby I indulge in part time when I’m bored. 😉

What we have here is a huge, 51″ slab of solid, polished stainless steel. On one end a large almost medieval glaive-like double bladed axe head, complete with center spike. Coming down from the head, we have a leather wrapped grip, and then a short, but particularly nasty looking section of serrated blade. below that, we have another leather wrapped grip section, and below that we have a triple barbed hook, ending in a sharp, rather unforgiving looking, talon like point.

Now truth be told, I think the mechanics of this weapon are horrific. I mean, ergonomically speaking, you’d have to be a Klingon, or Vulcan, or have trained using a Bathleth or a Lirpa, or some similarly esoteric weapon, in order for this weapon to make sense. And that void/spike in the center really violates my sense of mechanical aesthetics. Why the huge void cut out of the center of the the Axe head? For weight reduction maybe?

And even then, why attach that point just above that by two really thin looking stems. It’s certainly a cool design feature, but it seems like it would be the first thing to break if subjected to any bending forces. And then, as if those weren’t enough, there’s a serrated blade in the very section of the weapon that your hand would be likely to slide into? I dunno ’bout all that. I would rather think most folks would like to keep their fingers. But that’s just my opinion. 🙂

It just seems to me that a person wielding this weapon would be cruisin’ for a bruisin’… Or didn’t really like their fingers very much. Which would be a shame. BUT on the other hand, every inch of this thing says “I mean business.” And by “business”, I mean “Bringing the pain”. Big time. So I’m on the fence. And unfortunately my old pal Mr. R has remained strangely silent on the issue. No surprise, I suppose, given that none of my concerns regarding self mutilation at the hands of this monstrosity would apply to him.

So what do you think? Is this… Axe Thing… (of ultimate evil) reaper material? Or not? 😀

Grim Reaper Battle Axe – [North Star Collectibles]

A Ludicrous Chopper.

Monday, June 22nd, 2009

As you may all have figured out by now, I love to rant about how anime swords seem to just keep getting bigger and bigger. And about how this constant increase in sword size seems to occur for no reason other than perhaps to compensate for other… shortcomings. *ahem*… Ok, so maybe that’s not fair. But it’s just kind of crazy the sizes these things seem to get to.

However, seeing as how the vast majority of these swords, apart from a few rare exceptions, are usually anime swords, I cannot fault the makers. But you can probably imagine my surprise to find that someone had actually made a real live humongosword, *without* the benefit of animated inspiration. Now the site I originally found it on no longer seems to carry it, but I thought I’d post it anyway for your humor/enjoyment:

Fantasy Chopper

Fantasy Chopper

Yep. Now this is a Completely Pointless Sword Of Unusual Size. (or CPSOUS… errr… OK, that didn’t work out the way I planned. Never mind.) I mean look at it. It’s HUGE!!! I’m sure you could chop down trees with this thing. Honestly. Basically what we have here is an seriously over sized, curved blade. With a spine that has the vestigial remains of what looks like tree cutting teeth on the back. (I’m telling you, this had to be one of those old fashioned, two man tree saws, in a past life. Seriously)

Fantasy Chopper - Hilt

Fantasy Chopper - Hilt

And look at the hilt on this thing. Sure it looks nice with the leather wrap and all, but I don’t think it was intended for human use. More likely for giants. Nehphilim maybe. There are one handed swords, there are hand and a half swords, there are two handed swords and then there’s this. What’s this you ask? Well it’s a 4 handed sword of course. What does it look like? Pffft.

Fantasy Chopper - Pommel

Fantasy Chopper - Pommel

Looking at the pommel, we can see it has what looks like a full tang construction, with the tang peened to keep the grip and pommel in place. But given the sheer size of this thing, anything less would be blasphemy.

The thing is, I cannot really think of anyone, outside of Hercules, The Hulk, Thor, or any similarly empowered fictional individual, who could wield something like this effectively. People seem to think bigger is better. But when it comes to swords, it’s not. As with everything, there is a point of diminishing returns, beyond which lies stupidity. And there lieth this chopper.

And then I keep seeing people writing comments saying things like “Oh yeah, I got this super duper humongosword, and I can wield it pretty easily.” Honestly people. Seriously. I’ve said it a gazillion times, and I’ll say it again. The ability to swing a sword around is NOT the same as wielding a sword. I read those comments and I get the impression that this is how some people think using a sword like this would be like:

Our hero rides slowly out from the sunrise, sitting tall atop a giant steed, massive sword slung across his back. Suddenly, he is beset by three bandits!! He stops for a second. “Your money or your life.” one of the rogues growl. Our hero eyes them silently for a few more seconds. Then, lightly tapping with his spurs, he urges his stallion forward as if they weren’t there. Enraged, the bandits set upon him, swords drawn, like a pack of wild boars. In a single swift motion, our hero reaches back, unsheathes his massive sword, and cleaves all three bandits in two with a single cut. Then, swinging it once again in the air to clean their filth from his noble blade, he re-sheaths his sword and rides on, as if nothing had happened…

LOL.. Yeah. right. In real life, this is what would have happened.

<REALISM ENGINE ACTIVATED>

Our hero rides slowly along, atop a giant steed, tired and aching from lugging his massive sword across his back all day long. Suddenly, he is beset by three bandits!! He stops for a second. “Your money or your life.” one of the rogues growl. Our hero eyes them silently for another second. Then, too tired to put up a fight, he attempts to reach for his money bag and give them all his cash. The bandits, mistaking his weary, spastic, uncoordinated action as a hostile act, converge upon him, short swords drawn, like a pack of wolves.

Realizing what was about to happen, our hero, now fully awake, reaches back to unsheathe his massive sword, but tumbles from his horse, as he tries to tug his massive weapon free of it’s sheath. But the saw teeth on the spine get caught on his cloak, and he spends a few precious seconds pirouetting wildly to get it free. Finally, ripping it loose, he swings it wildly at the nearest bandit… And misses. The bandit saw it coming a mile away and easily sidestepped the incoming blade. And before our hero can recover and attempt another swing, the other two are upon him, stabbing him repeatedly like a snitch being shanked for squealing on one of his own, in a prison yard…

<REALISM ENGINE DEACTIVATED>

Suddenly a chihuahua wearing a black cape and mask appears! Wielding a tiny rapier with almost impossible speed, the Little Masked Chihuahua routes the bandits, and rescues our hero from almost certain death. At the local hospital, Our hero proclaims: “I owe you my life little masked Chihuahua! How can I ever repay you?”. “First, get a smaller sword, my friend.” the masked Chihuahua responds, chuckling to himself. “Next, remember this day. For one day I may call upon you to provide me with chalupas. And you must not refuse me.” “Yes, little Masked Chihuahua… You are wise. I will do as you say, and I will never forget. Thank you!” With a nod, the Little Masked Chihuahua rides off into the sunset, leaving our hero to await his return…

Ok, ok, ok.. So  I went a little overboard with it. But you get the picture. Big swords are slow swords. The difference is noticeable even between regularly sized, reasonably fast swords, like a Foil and a Katana. So you can just forget about moving monstrosities like these with any kind of expedience.

Big? Yes. Intmidating? Absolutely. Deadly. For sure. Effective… ?

Not a chance. That’s why it’s called a “Fantasy” chopper.

Fantasy Chopper – [By The Sword]

Back to Mondo Sword Basics…

Saturday, May 31st, 2008

Having not done a piece on an oversized sword for a while, it thought it fortuitous that I should run into this:

Giant Odachi

Giant 69" Odachi

[view full size]

Under normal circumstances regular polished blades are not my forte. However there are exceptions. And this one happens to be a rather large one. This beast is a good 69″ long… He He He… 69… LOL… *solitary cricket chirp*… *cough* what? I can’t indulge a little juvenile humor every once in a blue moon…? C’mon, there are soo many possible innuendos I could slip into this post… Aw… Fine, whatever… Pfft… Y’all are no fun…

Anyway, This odachi is just a big old sliver o steel. And I like big pieces of steel. They are cool. And this one doesn’t look half bad. There isn’t much really to say about it. I like the black cording in white rayskin same-kawa that was used for the rather abnormally long tsuka. The added length is probably intended to allow greater leverage, and also act as a counterbalance to the weight of the blade.

And the blade itself is simple, unremarkable even, except for being really, really, large. Even the tsuba is a simple cut out shape. Other nice touches were the cord wrapping on the top half of the Saya, as well as the chain on the buttcap and sageo for wearing on the belt. All small simple details that come together to make a great not-so-little sword…

69″  😛  Odachi – [True Swords]

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