The Realm of the Dark Blade

OK, so today you’ve got a POP QUIZ!!!

Only one question, Short answer. (Sorry, no multiple choice today. ) And here’s the question:

What kind of sword do you think a medieval pirate would use? Hmmm? Take a wild guess. Go on. Give it a go.

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BZZZZT!

Wrong.

The correct answer is: “It depends on where said pirates are from.”

HA!

Yes, yes, I know, I’m a bastige. That was a cheap shot. A trick question. And I’m actually quite sure some of you got it right. So… Whatever. What can I say? I just like to throw a few of them out there to keep you on your toes. Somebody’s gotta do it? Right? So why not I? That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

Anyway the topic of this post is actually related. I have here, a “Pirate’s” sword:

Fantasy Pirate Cutlass

Actually it is called a Fantasy Pirate Cutlass, which is a good thing, because when I think about Pirate swords, my first thought is the stereotypical sword wielded by the classic European vagabonds of the seven seas. The Cutlass. Clearly, however, this sword is *not really* a cutlass. More like a rather ornately finished scimitar.

The curve of the blade, the wide deep clip of the spine just before the point, the cross guard, the hooked pommel, all of these say… “I’m a Scimitar!”. Not “Me Cutlass!” However, seeing as this is a “fantasy” pirate cutlass, anything goes… I guess. So I suppose I should let that go…

Anyway, notwithstanding my prior confusion, I really like the lines of this sword. Obviously it is not as dark as I’d like , but I can’t have everything now can I? At least it has a very cool blade, and an interesting hilt to match. The cross guard looks like a set of talons attached to the sword at right angles to each other, with a rather misanthropic looking skull emblazoned in the middle. Not bad looking actually. 

Fantasy Pirate Cutlass - Hilt

The hilt continues with a studded leather wrap, covering the grip, which features what looks like a simple single choil at the top for added grip/control. The rest of the grip smoothly curves down to the pommel, which features another rather evil looking talon that curves to the front edge of the blade. Also pretty cool.

Fantasy Pirate Cutlass - Pommel

The stainless steel blade features an interesting rough cast/pitted steel appearance,  which lends a much more “used” feel to the sword. Overall it appears to be a beautiful and aesthetically well executed sword. I like it.

Fantasy Pirate Cutlass - Skull

So, notwithstanding it’s failure to meet my expectations vis-a-vis being a pirates cutlass, all I can say is…

I wish it came in Damascus. Or black. I’m not that picky…

No, really, I’m not. Really… What?

Fantasy Pirate Cutlass – [StrongBlade]

Or, more accurately in this case, a skeleton grip. Either way it’s weird.

The Skeletar by Shane Sloan

This is, somewhat appropriately named, the Skeletar, designed by Shane Sloan. I though I’d post about this knife because it has some rather interesting design characteristics. Some of which are serious flaws (imho) and others just… Unusual.

Let’s start with the blade. Sporting a very, sharp looking point, this I like. The rest… eh. it does have a nice curve to the sharp edge bevel grind, on the spine, which I will admit to also liking. The edge grind actually takes an unusual 90degree turn just before the ricasso, creating a blade shelf, which I thought was in interesting design statement.

The front edge of the blade almost seems nonexistent, possessing a very shallow bevel that is almost indistinguishable from the rest of the blade in this pic. Hard to tell whether it’s even sharpened or not. As a result, maybe even because of the lighting, I found the overall appearance confusing to the eye, the sharp well defined spine grind, and the curve of the blade almost makes it look like the main edge of the blade, making the grip look like it’s on backwards. But maybe it is, and that was the point. (or an accident that went exactly according to plan… )

The ricasso itself is unremarkable, except for the fact that it shrinks a little just before the hilt, disappearing between the split guards atop the grip, into a stub tang, that is bolted onto the grip. This design choice, gets a big thumbs down from me, simply because I think this is perhaps one of the worst ways to attach a blade to a grip. stubby tangs and bolts? NOT.

However the grip itself is a rather interesting dealio. Rather than go with the traditional full grip, the designer opted to create two sections, the black floating finger/choil area, attached to a contoured, cross drilled palm  area, by a set of three pegs. If not for the choils, I would have been hard pressed to say which part of this knife was the front edge and which part was the spine…

That little spine/blade design oddity is what caught my eye about this knife. I guess there is something to be said for lateral thinking in knife design. Just so long as said lateral thinking remains firmly tethered to fantasy knife land…

Skeletar by Shane Sloan – [Collectors Edge]

No, no, no. Put your hand down, Pointdexter, I decidedly did *not* mean to say “Unidentified Flying Object”. I thought it would be a suitable heading for the knife this post is about, especially since i think it is a little… too much. It’s kinda… Well… Lets start with the picture.

Alien Spawn Fantasy Bowie

OK, before any of you say “Hey now, don’t get your knickers all atwist, Phyre, it does say it’s a fantasy Bowie…” Let me preface my objections by saying… It’s my blog and I can rant if I want to. So there. Now we’ve got the whole maturity thing (or lack thereof) out of the way, let’s begin.

I have issues with this bowie. It just feels wrong to me on so many levels. I mean, the blade is out there, all by itself, with some kind of weird wave motif, on some sort of mutant stem. The guard, coming out of some type of organic looking pod system, consists of something that looks like a chicken claw.

There are two, unequal length horns, or something, above the spine of the blade. (I mean seriously. Horns?) And the pommel looks like it is a stolen headpiece of an Aztec totem pole. The only thing I kinda liked about this knife (and when I say “like”, I mean I didn’t hate it) was the grip, which was all black, and adorned with some sort of veiny tree like pattern. I thought that was ok. The rest?… Meh.

All in all it looks to me like a failed attempt to meld aspects from the Tribal Aztec/Biomechanical/H.R. Geigeresque schools of design. And what an interesting failure it is. Of course this is just *my* opinion.You are all perfectly within your right to like it.

But I think I should also point out that you’re a dufus if you do.

Alien Spawn Fantasy Bowie – [True Swords]

As you may all have figured out by now, I love to rant about how anime swords seem to just keep getting bigger and bigger. And about how this constant increase in sword size seems to occur for no reason other than perhaps to compensate for other… shortcomings. *ahem*… Ok, so maybe that’s not fair. But it’s just kind of crazy the sizes these things seem to get to.

However, seeing as how the vast majority of these swords, apart from a few rare exceptions, are usually anime swords, I cannot fault the makers. But you can probably imagine my surprise to find that someone had actually made a real live humongosword, *without* the benefit of animated inspiration. Now the site I originally found it on no longer seems to carry it, but I thought I’d post it anyway for your humor/enjoyment:

Fantasy Chopper

Yep. Now this is a Completely Pointless Sword Of Unusual Size. (or CPSOUS… errr… OK, that didn’t work out the way I planned. Never mind.) I mean look at it. It’s HUGE!!! I’m sure you could chop down trees with this thing. Honestly. Basically what we have here is an seriously over sized, curved blade. With a spine that has the vestigial remains of what looks like tree cutting teeth on the back. (I’m telling you, this had to be one of those old fashioned, two man tree saws, in a past life. Seriously)

Fantasy Chopper - Hilt

And look at the hilt on this thing. Sure it looks nice with the leather wrap and all, but I don’t think it was intended for human use. More likely for giants. Nehphilim maybe. There are one handed swords, there are hand and a half swords, there are two handed swords and then there’s this. What’s this you ask? Well it’s a 4 handed sword of course. What does it look like? Pffft.

Fantasy Chopper - Pommel

Looking at the pommel, we can see it has what looks like a full tang construction, with the tang peened to keep the grip and pommel in place. But given the sheer size of this thing, anything less would be blasphemy.

The thing is, I cannot really think of anyone, outside of Hercules, The Hulk, Thor, or any similarly empowered fictional individual, who could wield something like this effectively. People seem to think bigger is better. But when it comes to swords, it’s not. As with everything, there is a point of diminishing returns, beyond which lies stupidity. And there lieth this chopper.

And then I keep seeing people writing comments saying things like “Oh yeah, I got this super duper humongosword, and I can wield it pretty easily.” Honestly people. Seriously. I’ve said it a gazillion times, and I’ll say it again. The ability to swing a sword around is NOT the same as wielding a sword. I read those comments and I get the impression that this is how some people think using a sword like this would be like:

Our hero rides slowly out from the sunrise, sitting tall atop a giant steed, massive sword slung across his back. Suddenly, he is beset by three bandits!! He stops for a second. “Your money or your life.” one of the rogues growl. Our hero eyes them silently for a few more seconds. Then, lightly tapping with his spurs, he urges his stallion forward as if they weren’t there. Enraged, the bandits set upon him, swords drawn, like a pack of wild boars. In a single swift motion, our hero reaches back, unsheathes his massive sword, and cleaves all three bandits in two with a single cut. Then, swinging it once again in the air to clean their filth from his noble blade, he re-sheaths his sword and rides on, as if nothing had happened…

LOL.. Yeah. right. In real life, this is what would have happened.

<REALISM ENGINE ACTIVATED>

Our hero rides slowly along, atop a giant steed, tired and aching from lugging his massive sword across his back all day long. Suddenly, he is beset by three bandits!! He stops for a second. “Your money or your life.” one of the rogues growl. Our hero eyes them silently for another second. Then, too tired to put up a fight, he attempts to reach for his money bag and give them all his cash. The bandits, mistaking his weary, spastic, uncoordinated action as a hostile act, converge upon him, short swords drawn, like a pack of wolves.

Realizing what was about to happen, our hero, now fully awake, reaches back to unsheathe his massive sword, but tumbles from his horse, as he tries to tug his massive weapon free of it’s sheath. But the saw teeth on the spine get caught on his cloak, and he spends a few precious seconds pirouetting wildly to get it free. Finally, ripping it loose, he swings it wildly at the nearest bandit… And misses. The bandit saw it coming a mile away and easily sidestepped the incoming blade. And before our hero can recover and attempt another swing, the other two are upon him, stabbing him repeatedly like a snitch being shanked for squealing on one of his own, in a prison yard…

<REALISM ENGINE DEACTIVATED>

Suddenly a chihuahua wearing a black cape and mask appears! Wielding a tiny rapier with almost impossible speed, the Little Masked Chihuahua routes the bandits, and rescues our hero from almost certain death. At the local hospital, Our hero proclaims: “I owe you my life little masked Chihuahua! How can I ever repay you?”. “First, get a smaller sword, my friend.” the masked Chihuahua responds, chuckling to himself. “Next, remember this day. For one day I may call upon you to provide me with chalupas. And you must not refuse me.” “Yes, little Masked Chihuahua… You are wise. I will do as you say, and I will never forget. Thank you!” With a nod, the Little Masked Chihuahua rides off into the sunset, leaving our hero to await his return…

Ok, ok, ok.. So  I went a little overboard with it. But you get the picture. Big swords are slow swords. The difference is noticeable even between regularly sized, reasonably fast swords, like a Foil and a Katana. So you can just forget about moving monstrosities like these with any kind of expedience.

Big? Yes. Intmidating? Absolutely. Deadly. For sure. Effective… ?

Not a chance. That’s why it’s called a “Fantasy” chopper.

Fantasy Chopper – [By The Sword]

I found a rather unusual axe a few days ago. Perhaps it’s not *that* unusual. Especially for a fantasy weapon, since By definition, they really don’t have to adhere to any standardized design specification. However I thought it was an interesting design nonetheless, more or less because its’ designer opted to incorporate some interesting organic touches, and combined them in an unusual way:

Stingray Fantasy Axe

We have what appears to be an axe with a cast metal handle designed to replicate some sort of animal horn. The shaft curves to one side, as it extends down to the grip, which is itself cast to look like it is wrapped in leather. The pommel is capped by a faux gold ring which, in turn, terminates in a rather cool looking little faux gold spike.

The head of the axe is equally interesting, starting with the two copper or brass looking rings that are made to look as though they are screwed into the faux gold plated horn haft. Attached to each of these two bands are the cheeks of the blade, themselves adorned with an almost Incan looking pattern.

The curvy steel blades appear to be embedded in, and extend from the aforementioned axe cheeks, and bear an unusual set of curves, possibly intended to replicate the wings of a great mythical stingray. Not that I’m any expert or anything, but I don’t know of any stingrays have that particular “wing” formation.

And now that I think about it, horns of this nature generally occur on land animals, not aquatic creatures. But then again I’m no expert in horned aquatic creatures either. The narwhal comes to mind, but if memory serves, a narwhals horn is actually a tooth formation, and not an actual horn, like a stag or a deer has.

So we have, in effect, a stingray, with steel “wings”, ostensibly formed of horn, bolts, a stinger of unknown origin, and leather wrap, all, in turn, cast in some unknown alloy, and steel. Yeah. Layers upon layers of artistic metaphor at work here ladies and gents. It boggles the mind. Art. Gotta love it.

Of course this is the beauty of “Fantasy” weapons. The designer gets to pick what level of reality to adhere to. And how deep the rabbit hole goes. But when all is said and done, I think the overall look is actually pretty cool. A fantasy sting ray, complete with steel wings, and a curved, spike equipped tail. A work of organic art. Except made entirely of metal.

I wonder if this stingray is domesticated. Forget piranhas. I’d love to have an aquarium full of these. 

Stingray Fantasy Axe – [Amazon]

Today I’ve got a little bit o’ inclement weather to share with you all. A typhoon, in black steel. Yeah, a nice bit o steel if you ask me. Rife with unique and unusual idiosyncrasies, but a beautiful blade nonetheless:

Black Fantasy Typhoon Hook Dagger

What’d I tell ya. You are looking at the Black Fantasy Typhoon Hook Dagger, by Robert Shiflett. As usual with these kinds of things, it’s got some issues. But I can’t be too hard on it because it does come right out and call itself a fantasy dagger. No pretense at functionality whatsoever, just another pretty piece of black steel to hang on your wall, or set on your mantle, or whatever you do with these things.

Me, I just critique them and walk away. But I’m bad like that. Anyway, back to the blade in question.

So what we have here is a nice little knife that doesn’t take itself too seriously, with a sweet curvy blade. I love curves. And points. And this knife has got lots of both. So I can’t complain about that. The blade is a complex set of said curves, sweeping backwards from the tip, down the spine into this weird void, guarded on top by a lone, forward pointing spike.

The edge of the blade, exhibits a similar, but smaller idiosyncrasy, winding it’s way down the tip, and extending over the top of the grip, punctuated at guard level by a single small divot, whose purpose, again, eludes me. On the side of the blade itself, a triangular metal accent piece sits between the large void in the spine and the front divot. As I have stated many times before, I have a thing against unnecessary voids in a blade, as they simply introduce weaknesses, and this blade is no exception.

In fact this blade exemplifies exactly why I dislike these voids, because as you can see, the end result is that the blade is connected to the hilt by a relatively small section of steel, and it could have been so much stronger without those voids. I know this wasn’t intended to be a practical weapon, but that is just a big no-no in my book. (*wags finger*) At least the hilt makes up for it in a rather interesting aesthetic style.

The hilt is quite nice, if rather iffy on the ergonomics front. It is designed to look like it is made from offset stacked ovoid sections of ebony, capped at each end by metal guard and pommel pieces. The twisting sections of grip is probably where the “Typhoon” section of it’s nomenclature came from. But I can’t help but wonder how all those sharp edges would feel against ones palm.

However my favorite part of the hilt is the little talon that extends from the pommel of the weapon. A black steel hooked talon, which, again, is probably the source of  the “Hook dagger” name. A trivial observations, of course, but I can’t help it. With a name as wordy as “Black Fantasy Typhoon Hook Dagger” I just feel the need to kind of  justify each and every word.

But that, as usual, is just me. Almost as idiosyncratic as the blades I like to critique… Almost.

Black Fantasy Typhoon Hook Dagger by Robert Shiflett – [All Things Medieval]

I’m guessing it was while I wasn’t looking. During a movie. Resident Evil, to be specific. How do I know this? Because I just ran into a weapon that is supposedly from the movie RE, and I cannot, for the life (or brains) of me, remember anything remotely similar being in the movie…

Alice's Zombie Extinction Arm Spikes - AKA Zombie Killing Kunai

[click image to view full size]

Ok, so what are these? Well, to be honest, I haven’t the foggiest. Prolly on account of my brains being consumed and all. But I can certainly try to determine how they might be used…

So what these look like are a set of cast alloy spikes, with a faux Kunai four sided diamond like cross section. With a ring on top. Again like a kunai. What little is left of my brain is getting very suspicious.

Each side if the spike is cast with a rectangular parallelogram. Why? I dunno. But a pattern appears to be emerging. They are thick, low quality castings (like a Kunai) have a ring (like a kunai) come in multiples (Much like Kunai) and even have a leather wrist holster (Can anyone say “Ninja “?)

And to top it all off, I do not recall seeing anything like this in any of the Resident Evil movies… So here’s what I think the real story is. Some enterprising knife designer decided to design an “original” kunai. For some reason, they don’t sell. Then marketing hits on a brilliant idea:

Brand it as a weapon used by a popular (and pretty) protagonist (Alice), from a popular series of movies- Resident Evil. Voila! Alice now uses Kunai to kill Zombies… Alllllrighty then.

Any questions?

Alices Zombie Extinction Arm spikes Kunai – [True Swords]

So a while back I ran across a rather interesting polearm:

Midnight Dragon Blade

[click to view full size]

Yes. The Midnight Dragon Blade. Dunno if it was intended for hunting dragons at midnight, or is the signature weapon of the secret sect called the Midnight Dragon Corps. Personally I’d much prefer the latter. anyway, I haven’t blogged about a polearm in a while, so when found this while looking through my archives, I thought it would make for an interesting post. Expecially since this is of a rather unusual design.

Like your average polearm, this one has a suitably lengthy shaft, in sweet blackness, tipped with a silver pommel cap sporting a design I had a hard time placing. On one hand it looks like a chain mail pattern covering some kind of flowerbud, and on the other, it could be scales on the outstretched talons of a dragon. Hm. My design-fu is weak today…

Either way, it thought it was cool. Three quarters of the way up the shaft we have a silver band, and just below the head, a dragon is depicted wrapped around the shaft, looking up towards the head. Now the head of this polearm is where it gets interesting.

The flat black head of this polearm is an eclectic collection of curves, arcs, and points, which I normally love to see, except in this case, there does not seem to be much purpose behind the arrangement. However, just for giggles, I’m going to try see if I can classify it based on it’s general features.

On one side we have what looks like the outstretched wing of a black dragon, which I thought looked very cool. It’s rearward orientation would suggest that this could be used in a bill hook fashion, however billhooks generally did not have an additional large blade on the opposite side as an accoutrement.

Opposite the wing hook we have a large beautiful crescent of black steel. Almost looks like an axe head, which would put it in Bardiche or pole cleaver category, except pole cleavers are usually single edged. Not to mention the little sub crescent in the top of the curve, besides being really annoying, really kills the axe head shape. Which is possibly why I find it annoying. But I digress.

There is also no real forward point to speak of, the top of the axe head curves too far in to make a good thrusting point, so this would probably be best used as a hacking, hooking or or cutting weapon. So we are left with the generic “random blade on a long stick” polearm, AKA – the Halberd.

Halberds perhaps come in the widest variety of blade shapes and sizes, but to be honest, they also generally all have a good useable thrusting point as well, which this doesn’t have. However, since there are versions of polearms with bill hooks on one side and large axe like blades on the other, I’m gonna stick with that, as two out of three isn’t bad.

Meh. Who am I kidding… This thing is unclassifiable. It’s a fantasy weapon. They threw me for a loop by omitting “fantasy” from the name, but the “Dragon” in the nomenclature should have given it away. You’d think i would have figured all this out by now. Live an learn I guess…

It’s still a cool looking polearm, though…

Midnight Dragon Blade – [King of Swords]

And no, I am not having a bad day, and my language is just fine thank you very much.

My heading refers, quite literally, to another red sword that looks for all the world like the last wielder ran their last opponent clean through with it, withdrew the weapon, threw the sword unceremoniously into the growing pool of the vanquished enemy’s blood, and just walked away…

Dragon Talon Fantasy Sword

[Click image to view full size]

So this, my friends, is the Dragon Talon Fantasy sword. And as fantasy swords go, well… I like it. It’s another one of those designs that doesn’t try to do too much, and succeeds at doing what it’s trying to do very well. That’s not to say it isn’t devoid of gimmicks. It is a “fantasy” sword after all.

And I’ve found, much to my frequent chagrin, that the word “Fantasy” in front of any weapon is usually license for the designer to engage in all manner of obscene atrocities in their design. But as gimmicks go, this sword is actually many rungs above the normal level of sacrilege I see committed in the name of “Fantasy design”.

This sword, true to it’s name, is every bit designed around the “Dragon Talon” motif. The Pommel of the sword features a set of two dragons talons, curving towards each other. Above that we have the grip, which is spiral wrapped in what looks a like a soft faux leather material. Not the best grip finish by any means, but for a wall hanger it is probably survivable.

The guard is where things begin to get interesting. True to form, the guard consists of a similar set of inward curving dragon claws, much like the pommel, but with a twist. For herein lies our gimmick of the day: a set of two small dragon headed daggers that are set into small sockets opposite each other, at the base of the grip.

These small daggers can be pulled out and used independently. I like the design of the dragon heads in them, and while they aren’t particularly large, they are very reminiscent of the Japanese practice of placing small knives, called kogatana, into pockets in the side of the saya (sheaths) of their swords.

These are even smaller than those, and might be better described as finger knives, but you could probably get a comparable level of functionality out of them, were anyone silly enough to attempt to use this sword for any practical purposes…

Anyway back to the blade. And what a distinctive blade it is! A simple, straight line, tapering blade profile, with a short ricasso, and a spear tip, painted from hilt to tip, in a deep blood red hue that transitions to an almost reddish black oxide color at the edge and tip. A rare but welcome change from the usually flashy steel I see so often.

Overall a nice design. I would not trust the grip bindings to hold up to any kind of use, nor for the little sub blades to stay in place under duress, but otherwise, I like the design and if, for some hypothetical reason, I had select any one given “Fantasy” blade to be run through with, this would be in my top 5…

What? No. No, at the moment, I can’t think of any realistic scenarios where I would get to choose the preferred weapon to be run through with. Nor, for that matter, why I would be letting someone run me through at all. But that’s just the way my mind works.

OK, I have issues, alright? Let’s just leave it at that. OK? Thank you…

Dragon Talon Fantasy Sword – [True Swords]

There are some weapon designs that are actually very cool (and arguably equally wicked) in concept, but really fall short of their potential in design and implementation. I came across one such evil seed a while back, and thought I’d post about it…

Skull Mayhem

[Click image to view full size]

Now this right here, is what I call a hand blade. And it’s pretty self explanatory. It wants to kill you. No. really. It does. And for this reason, it features a not so obvious but rather dangerous design detail, which we’ll get to in a minute. But on to the wickedness.

In essence, this is pretty much a metallic demon/vampire skull, (personally I’d go with “Angry Master Demon Vamp” But that’s just me) with a set of three pairs of blades attached to it, coming out at either side of the skull, and beneath a very wicked looking set of teeth. The largest, topmost set consists of a large curving blade with quadruple edges, one on the top half of each inward curving blade and the other edge on the bottom half.

The single round grip is attached to a bracket that is bolted to each primary blades on either side. Beneath the main blades are a set of smaller, but longer and more sinister looking blades extending downwards and inwards from approximately where the skulls mandibles should be. IMHO the coolest blades of the set.

The last pair of blades sit in between the second set, and extend downwards from the teeth, specifically from the large fangs, forming a long and rather formidable looking set of black steel fang extensions. Given the reach of the middle pair of blades, I doubt the smaller pair are really neccesary, but I certainly can’t argue the evilitude of the whole combination…

Altogether this would make for a rather effective hand held battledrome blade, except for that one, rather nasty little caveat, that I alluded to earlier. The grip. Yes. This weapon seems very well put together, with a grip set in a steel bracket that is bolted quite securely to the largest set of blades. BUT this single grip is where the problem lies.

With a single grip, this whole contraption is capable of freely rotating around (forwards and backwards, to be exact) the grip. Which means on one day you may have the top of the skull trying to attach itself permanently to the back of your hand. And on another day, you could have the bottom blades trying to slit your wrists.

Either way, unless you’re an emo looking for a really cool way to go out, this is probably a bad choice of weapon for the underground deathmatch gladiator type. However, I do like the aesthetics of this piece. Large black blades, fangs, bladed skull wings… Awesome. And had someone had the forethought to place a rear wrist brace/bracket on the thing, it might have been an absolutely unholy terror in the death match circuit…

Perhaps that was the whole point. Maybe the designers were scared. Maybe they gimped it because they were terrified of what their creation might become. Frightened pantless that their creation might come back to eviscerate them…

Pffft… BWAHA HA HA HA HA AH HA HHA HA HA…

Wusses…

Skull Mayhem – [Collectors Edge]