Posts Tagged ‘Chaos’

A Little Something For The Earth Bound Klingon… Or Lord Vader…

Monday, June 7th, 2010

OK so let me pose a hypothetical scenario. Let’s say you are a Klingon. Yes, you are a member of a well known warrior race from Star Trek. Got it? Good. Now lets say you get marooned on earth. No, I don’t know how that happened or what you did to deserve it. Stuff happens alright? Deal.

Anyway let’s say you are stuck on Earth. In prehistoric times. Yes, I said prehistoric. Why? Look, you are asking too many questions. I’m trying to set up a scenario here. Ok fine, we’ll say someone tweaked the nav systems and warp core configuration on your Klingon warbird so that the next time you tried to warp somewhere, you got marooned, on Earth, in the past, and the dilithium crystals in your warp core are broken, so you now cannot get back.

OK? Happy now? Can I continue?

Thank you.

So… Now you are stranded in a prehistoric earth jungle, and you need a bladed weapon to survive… Say what? Why no Disruptors? OH, for the love of… *sigh* Look, work with me here. Lets say you’ve been stranded for some time, and you’re all out of power OK? Does that work for you? Any other details you’d like me to cover before I go on? No? Are you sure…? Wait… What? Recrystallize the dilithium crystal lattice? …

… *veins popping out of forehead*

YOU @*@&#@! IDIOT!!! THIS IS PREHISTORIC EARTH! THERE ARE NO NUCLEAR REACTORS, SO YOU CAN SAFELY ASSUME THERE ARE NO SAFE AND READILY AVAILABLE SUPPLIES OF GAMMA RADIATION TO CAPTURE AND REPAIR DECRYSTALLIZED DILITHUIM CRYSTALS WITH, YOU #*&$%# INSUFFERABLE DWEEB!!!

Jiminy Christmas, enough already!! OK that’s it. No more questions. You’ve ruined my perfect set up.  I’m just going to show you the blade.

Tactical Golok

Tactical Golok

This is the tactical Golok. The Golok is a traditional chopping tool, a kind of short machete, originating in southeast Asia, characterized by a wide tipped, top heavy blade. The Tactical Golok is a a Golok on steroids. Or as would be designed by a Klingon, trapped in prehistoric ages, on earth, who had naught but primitive tools. WITH NO USABLE DILITHIUM CRYSTALS. Ok… gotta breath now… Whooosaaaahhh… alrighty then.

In fact the tactical Golok bears a vague resemblance to a traditional Klingon weapon, the MekLeh’ crossed with a traditional golok…

Klingon Mek'Leth

Klingon Mek'Leth

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Golok

Golok

OK… Too vague. That didn’t work out quite the way I thought it would. All kinds of evil was supposed to ensue. Hmmm… What to do, what to do… Actually, now that I think about it, this Golok has more in common with Kratos’ Swords of Chaos from the game God of War:

Kratos Sword of Chaos

Kratos Sword of Chaos

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Golok

Golok

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Tactical Golok

Tactical Golok

Much better!! Yeah… Now THAT’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout… And you made me go on that Klingon rant, and nearly pop a gasket, all for nothing. Yes, you. It’s all YOUR fault. Yeah, it’s my blog and I can blame who I want to… And today that is… YOU! Put that in your meat grinder and mince it! Bah Humbug!

<Eric Cartman> Man… I really, really hate you guys… </Eric Cartman>

Anyway, this Tactical Golok is the bees knees. Put together by the folks at Szabo Inc., it looks like a mean little chopper, a nice, evil cross between a machete and an axe. With the sweeping curvy edges and dark demeanour to match. My kind of chopper. Darth Vaders golok, if you will. I mean just look at it:

Tactical Golok Demo

Tactical Golok Demo

What more can I say. Short machete. Wide. Heavy. Evil curves. Double edged.  Integral guard and blade finger choil, possibly for choking up and better control. AND it looks like it comes in black. Which is really just all kinds of WIN.  BUT… It costs and arm and a leg. But if you can afford one, at least you’ll know they’ll be harvesting your limbs in style.

Umm… wait… Was I not supposed to say that out loud?

Tactical Golok – [Szabo Inc]

Why do sword makers do this?

Friday, July 31st, 2009

So I suppose this is a rhetorical question, since I think I already know the answers. But here it is. Is it sooo difficult to make a cool looking sword that isn’t mechanically compromised? And yes, I realize that at this point, I should have gotten used to seeing this, but it just doesn’t make any sense.

What, exactly, is the deal with slotted sword blades?

I’ve probably said this a gazillion times before, but the thing is, I keep seeing it over, and over, and over, and it seems like everyone is doing it, and yet it makes no sense at all. And I probably wouldn’t be making such a big deal about it, except today, I was looking at what I thought would otherwise be a really great looking sword, EXCEPT it had freaking slots in the blade. And not just anywhere, but in the *weakest* sections of the blade.

And as if that weren’t bad enough, I found *two* more swords, exhibiting the exact SAME design flaw, on the SAME PAGE. All with stinkin’ lousy SLOTS, in what seems like the WEAKEST parts of each and every blade. You know what? I think it’s a conspiracy. Maybe someone is attempting to compromise what little sanity I have left. In fact, I’m beginning to think someone is slipping crazy pills into all of my drinks.

Which is technically not possible, though, since I make all of my drinks myself. From stuff most creatures would not dare drink. But then again, I might have developed an alternate personality, of which I am blissfully unaware, who is in fact, slipping a mickey into my beverages. It’s the stress, I tell you, the stress… The stress of subjecting myself to these abominations that are trying to pass themselves off as useful sword designs… DAGNABBIT!!!…

OK… If you don’t mind, I’ll need a moment here to gather my wits (presently scattered to the four corners of the earth) about me…

*woo saaaah*… *woo saaaah*…  OK… Let’s try a little logic and reason.

Here’s the first sacrilegious creation:

Black Ninja Warrior Sword

Black Ninja Warrior Sword

The so called “Black Ninja Warrior Sword”. I’m not even going to go into why a “Ninja” weapon ought never to appear in the “Ronin” section of any sword site. But let’s take a good look at this thing. On the surface, not a bad looking sword. A simple cord wrapped grip, a short ricasso flowing into a nice blade contour, with a concave edge that rises to a little belly just before the tip. The spine is fairly simple, with a short scalloped section (which, incidentally, looks nice, but appears to be un-sharpened and therefore purely cosmetic) opposite the ricasso.

Then they added those… slot… thingies. And called them “blood grooves”. Yeah. Blood grooves. Really. Absolutely hilarious. I’d laugh if I wasn’t on the verge of throwing up. Now let’s take a good look at this sword. Besides the tip, where is the thinnest section of the blade? See it? In the middle of the little concave arc of blade? Good. Now where are those slots? Yeeesss… Right there… Partying hard… Right there on the ragged edge dude… Please, allow me to introduce you to the unnecessarily weakest part of this sword! Blood Groove City!!

I wish those slots would all fall off the edge and die… So I can go and spit on their graves. Ptooey!

But wait, there’s more! Here’s another from the trio/coven of atrocities:

Double Chaos Blades

Double Chaos Blades

These are the “Double Chaos Blades”. Appropriately named, because the design is doubly jacked up. Again, a fairly simple base design, a set of simple, almost straight swords, tipped with a strong spear point tip, with straight edges running down into a mild flare in the blade, just above the cord wrapped grip with the cool pointy pommel.  Comes in both black and polished steel. And if they would have stopped there, I might actually see myself buying one.

But Noooooo, that would have been too bland, too simple. They HAD to add some “flair”. AKA slots. But that’s not all. These swords come with added DIVOTS!! Yes, ladies and germs, these swords are *double* the dysfunctional fun!! First they started with the slots. Then somebody looked at it and said: “Hey… I got a brilliant idea!!” Lets cut small semicircles out of both sides of the blade!!! It’ll be AWESOME!!!”

Yeah… Awesomely bad. I mean the sword looks like it has been conveniently designed to snap apart into two sections at those spots where the semicircular divots and the grooves coincide. Now don’t get me wrong. Perforations are very useful. They are a boon for things like paper towels, bubble wrap, and.. erm…toilet roll… <cough>. I just don’t like to see it them in my swords… Call me crazy. Oh, wait. I am, in fact, crazy. OK, whatever. Lets just move on.

Now this last sword set, this is really what I went looking for…

Twin Fusion Ronin Swords

Twin Fusion Ronin Ninja Swords

The “Twin Fusion Ronin Ninja” sword. *Deep Sigh* I must admit that that at this particular moment, I’m finding it incredibly difficult to hold my tongue about the blasphemy that is a “Ronin Ninja” anything. But in the interest of not subjecting you all to a 20 page post, I will find an orc to chew on for the remainder of my tirade. Never let it be said that I don’t care about my readers. 😀

I’ll be honest. I just love the contours of this sword. Again, another simple, cord wrapped hilt with an angled pommel with lanyard slot. A short simple guard with a small but deeply curved ricasso. And then there’s the tip. A sweeping widening blade with a false spine edge, that looks almost broad scimitar like, before pulling a “Psyche” and abruptly turning into a slightly concave blade. Absolutely evil, wicked, sinister, beautiful and awesome.

And then… Sacrilege. An near perfect sword design… Defiled by heathenous, slot wielding, serration abusing wretches masquerading as sword designers. Turns my stomach I tell you… There are a lot of things serrations are good for. I personally do not think swords are one of them. On the spine, maybe. But not on the blade. And out of decency, I will not subject you to the stream of expletives that went through my head when I saw the slots in these blades. Holes are for swiss cheese. Not swords.

I could even live with the fake scallops on the spine. In fact, if they were to move the serrations from the blade to the spine, where the scallops currently are, and got rid of the slots… mmm… I could see myself picking out… well not drapes, but maybe a good whip, to hang on my mantle, with this sword…

But that’s just me. Is that wrong? 😀

Double Chaos Blades – [Global Gear]

Black Ninja Warrior Sword – [Global Gear]

Twin Fusion Ronin Ninja Swords – [Global Gear]

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